Today I couldn’t help but write! I couldn’t help but let my suffocated thoughts erupt like a volcano! Because I simply feel I should! With every day, week, month, there is a new trend, and this week’s is all about motherhood and being real… Being raw… Being true to yourself by showing your C-section scar, by telling people how many pounds you gained and how you don’t care because motherhood is worth it, how your belly is still hanging and that these are the joys of giving birth, about those stretch marks that are now covering that hanging belly, and about all the other miseries that every mother experiences, or at least she thinks she does. Women now share them because they don’t want new mothers to feel alone, to agonise about this alone! Because it’s painful, because It is something we don’t like and most importantly we never like to talk about.
Well you see, I am a mother too, I gave birth the 6th of February 2014, to a beautiful baby boy. When I left the hospital instead of complaining about my extra weight, I was actually complaining about how much weight I have lost, I had absolutely no stretch marks, and I couldn’t even think about my tiny almost invisible C-section scar…… You say I am lucky? You say I am far from being modest? Well the truth is, all these stories were the least of my worries, because all I could think of was my little bundle of joy that I wasn’t able to carry for two weeks because I was in ICU and he couldn’t come and visit. I couldn’t feel his soft skin against my chin like I envisaged 9 months ago, I couldn’t smell him and hold him close to my heart like I dreamt of doing! I was busy thinking about whether I was gonna make it or whether I was leaving a motherless child behind me. I was thinking of my mother who was gonna burry her own child sooner than she thought, I was thinking of my husband who would have to continue life with a child to whom he would be both a father and a mother at the same time. I was thinking of the next surgery I was gonna have – because there was always a next one since nothing seemed to work. I was thinking of how I was never going to see my son getting married. I was thinking of how my body failed me big time. I was thinking of God and praying so hard… the hardest I ever did!
You see I didn’t have time to think about how I looked with those life support machines, or with a swollen body or with 5 scars from 5 different surgeries! I didn’t have time to think of the stretch marks I had because I was busy thinking of the internal bleeding going on in my uterus. I didn’t have time to pay attention to my weight, because I was more concerned with whether or not I was gonna wake up alive the next day!
I never had a chance to do that skin to skin I dreamt of doing all those 9 months of pregnancy, with my little one because I had a severe postpartum hemorrhage, and stayed on life support machines for 2 weeks. I never had a chance to breastfeed for two whole weeks. I didn’t have the luxury to enjoy the first days of my son’s life, but I am so very thankful that I am ALIVE! My child still has a mother! So yes if you gained weight, have stretch marks,if you are living with a hanging belly, going through what they call: “baby blues”, just be thankful that with all that, you still held your baby so tight and didn’t have to let go, be thankful that you never had to fight for your life, be thankful those stretch marks and that C-section are the only scars you carry, be thankful that being pregnant again doesn’t scare the hell out of you, be thankful that you are ALIVE!
Today this is just a memory, but with every passing day, this has become a prayer, a mantra, and a peaceful song! I am thankful for all the miseries or the joys (or whatever you want to call them) of giving birth, because I am still alive to enjoy and cherich motherhood, the real thing, the bond between me and my child, not how I look like, not how my belly looks like, not how my house looks like! Today I pray for every woman to have a safe delivery anywhere and everywhere in the world, and let those stretch marks be my guest….!