Today Is Not The Day…

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Today is not the day! I pick up my laptop, stare at the blank page in front of me, and I see words jumping.. so many of them, I can’t really keep track! I think of the priest who was killed today by the 19 years old boy, and I don’t know whom should I feel bad for? The man who went to heaven, (regardless of who he was, he still was killed today), or the little boy who lived in hell and will remain in there for a while.

I think of change and how it is always good for you. Sometime it scares you, so you try to stay away, you push, you resist, because you don’t want to try new things, you don’t want to get out of your comfort zone, and most importantly you are scared to be rejected. A friend once told me that in life you will be rejected many many times, so make them count! But being rejected is not something you want to accept easily. It is not something we want at all! Rejection and the shame and guilt that follow are unwanted friends, who when they knock on your door, you switch off the lights, and you silence your phone, and you sit in the dark waiting for them to leave, thinking that you’re not home. How do you ever make peace with this awful friendship? That painful feeling of humiliation and distress? I say get a vaccine! Yes ! you know how they do it right, they inject you with a small dose of the same pathogen you are trying to protect yourself from, they might even do it multiple times to get it right. Well I say do the same thing with your fear of rejection! Put yourself in situations where you will get rejected (gently and smoothly), few times and Voila! Will it work? did I try it before? I don’t know, I haven’t and I am just sharing few thoughts in here!

 

I am also thinking of how the year has past and I have really managed not to buy anything I didn’t really need. OK let me explain to you; Last year I made a decision not to buy anything at all (unless I really really needed it), and this comes from an ex-shopaholic, who used to spend most – if not all- of her time checking out shops, malls, outlets, etc. So yes I did it! It has been more than a year and guess what? I feel great! I have never felt so light and so right at the same time.So while staring at the blank page in front of me, I smile, I give myself a high-five, and I promise myself to write a post about just this!

 

I think of the little things that go by unnoticed, yet tracked down by a child, who takes time to see the unseen and read between the lines, and when I say a child, I don’t only mean kids, I also mean those very few people who kept the child within and never grew old! The shadows and how fun they really are, the bread that looks like a pillow, the bird who is king somewhere, the stones that melted and told stories! You see I live with a child, or two, if you count the one I never let go of, even though I am thirty.

 

I think of how good change is for you… Oh wait I did think of that 2 minutes ago, so I go back to staring at the white page and I wait!

 

I think of the mother who carried her two dead children yesterday after a car crash, and my heart sinks! I think of the morons who drive like maniacs and I get upset! I think of the souls who said goodbye to loved ones because someone was having too much fun trying to shift gears and see how far they can go! I think of this sad world and where is it taking us, but I also think of the sun and the bright moon tonight! I think of the stars and the smiles and the laughters. I think of babies cooing somewhere, and women shedding tears of joy meeting their little angel for the first time. I think of  teenagers who passed their final exams and how bright their future seems to be. I think of God and how merciful he is!

 

But mostly…I think today is not the day to blog….. Or maybe it is…What do you think?

 

Ouiam

If You’re Happy And You Know It….Well Good For You! 

  

– Friend: Are you happy? 

– Me: Do you mean right now? 

– Friend : No in general

– Me: Like a percentage? 

– Friend: No, like are you a happy person? 

– Me: What do you mean by happy? 

– Friend: Like would you define yourself as a happy person? 

– Me: What is a happy person? One who jokes all the time? One who smiles all the time? One who is content? One who acts happy? 

– Friend: I don’t know! OMG! Can you stop being so philosophical!!!! Agghh  

This was a conversation between me and a friend of mine, over some ice cream and fruits. Before of course she decided she needed a break from my much philosophical brain and went back home lol! But that wasn’t the end of it, this conversation got me to think, really what’s happiness? Is it a moment? A bunch of them? A percentage of how many of them you have in your life? How many times you smile everyday? How many times you laugh everyday? What is it really? Aren’t we all in a quest for happiness? A grand pursuit of happiness manages our daily lives! We do what we can to be happy, to stay happy! Aren’t we all focused on making ourselves happy? Something about this puts me off! 

What…? You think I am a creep? Maybe, who knows. But y nature, I don’t like to label things. So being happy to me is a fake concept! Before you frown, and leave this page, let me explain to you: Happiness, by definition excludes the sad, bad, difficult…etc. So when I look back to my life, and look at the tough times, the sad and difficult moments I lived in my 29years of life; my heart aches, but not from sadness! Absolutely not! With a big a smile I high-five myself! And I almost feel happy that I went trough each one of those moments! Those times shaped me, thanks to them I am who I am today! I am definitely aware that dark days exists! They should exist! Grey days too! And we shouldn’t try to make them disappear by posting only happy pictures on Instagram and Facebook! (Don’t get me wrong I love posting happy pictures but that shouldn’t be the norm!). Or by refusing to talk about them. We mostly gloss over them then we try to get back to “Happy”. 

Don’t we all say: “We grow through pain” yet as soon as we experience the pain we quickly try to “Move on” to “Cheer up”. Call me morbid, but pain is the only way we can appreciate happiness and happy moments! A great example is giving birth! Giving birth is the most painful experience any woman would ever experience, yet what comes after all those screams, tears, and pain is the happiest moment in your whole life! 

I would rather prefer to define myself as WHOLE! I embrace my difficult times as well as I do with the happy ones, and I cherish them both! I look at the big picture, even beyond: “You can’t get sunshine without rain” kind of thing! It all contributes to the greater person we can become; the set-backs the challenges, the tears, the pain, the failures, all being part of that wholeness! 

Happiness doesn’t teach you much, whereas those bad days do! They give you precious life lessons, that you will forever appreciate!  

So yes I am not happy all the time, but I am whole! It took me so much time to stop this crazy hunt for happiness. It took me so much efforts to reach where I am now. To be able to equally embrace the sad and the happy. To be proud of my failures and my set backs, and wear them as a badge on my chest! Because they made me who I am today! 

Do you feel you can relate to this? What do you have to say about happiness?! 

Ouiam

Feeling Feelings ….

  
I am a natural “feeler”, I like to feel every possible feeling, give it a name, run it into a rigorous scrutiny, to find out whether it is a “good” or “bad” feeling. This process happens just between myself and I. No one is allowed anywhere near my thoughts, I never wondered why?! Until today….! 

Usually when I get sick, and even now at twenty nine years old, and a mom to an 18months baby boy, I would still need my mama’s comfort; however, I would never tell her this. Not because I feel or think it is wrong, but because I simply can’t. Throughout my life, I have been an introverted little girl, my heaven was (still is) grabbing a book, and sitting on my bed, in my room, for hours until I was done with it. I craved silence and privacy. Being alone wasn’t something to complain about, it was a treat! Things has changed with time, that is a fact, and I have been coping well with noise and social events, yet I am still an introverted person. After an hour of socialising I need another hour or two to calm down and give myself a break. 
The more I think about it, the more I realise that growing up, we never talked about feelings. Not that it was a taboo, but we actually lacked the proper tools to get those feelings out, correctly and adequately. In my Moroccan dialect, we have no correct way of describing our feelings, of course we have those specific words : ” I am happy” or “I am sad” but if you say them out loud, I assure you, you will make a joke of yourself. 

Now try saying something like: ” I am jealous” or even “I envy you”, and get ready to receive a torrent of lectures, about how jealousy (or even envy) is a sin! And you should never have similar feelings! Instead you should burry them, really deep, and never talk about them again! First: Why can’t we all just agree that we are human after all, and we do sin! Then, a feeling is just between myself and I, something that I have no control over, yes sure I can work on making this unwanted feeling go away, but I can’t do that unless I first recognise it, and give it a name! 

Where I come from, we are encouraged to neglect our feelings, pretend that they don’t exist. You will only hear the word “feel” if “hungry”, “thirsty” or “tired” followed. 

If my husband reads this post, I am sure he would be wondering: “Then how come you keep on blabbering about what you feel, what you felt, and what you will feel, all day long when I am around?!” Well, all I have to say is that this is different, he is my best friend, I trained myself to open up to him, he is also a great listener, which helps greatly! 

Even after writing these words and after my grand realisation, I have no doubt anything will ever change, I still will not allow myself to talk about my feelings, because somehow it feels as if I was stripping naked in front of an audience. However, I always encourage my son to talk about how he feels: sad, upset, mad, happy, excited, frustrated…etc! Parenting is crazy! It gives us all a chance to relive our own childhood, except, this time, we are in charge, we write the guidelines and the rules, we get to change what we never approved of, and do our best to be the best! 

Ouiam