The Untold Stories Of Motherhood…. 

  

It has been almost two years since I embarked in this wonderful journey of motherhood, it is kind of hard to believe, because it feels like I gave birth just few months ago, but yeah! 21months have passed since the day I officially became a mother. And boy what a journey has it been! See, when you get pregnant, people around you feel the need to warn you…! Warn you about tons of things, like the sleepless nights, or the absence of any “Me” time, or they might even strike a little harder and tell you that your life will never be the same again. You smile, you nod, you might get scared a little, but you know that YOU will do it differently… Not because you know what they are talking about… Hell how would you know? This is only your first child! But because it is simply YOU!

What no one warns you about is the huge responsibility placed on your hands. The midnight crises from all the exhaustion and the great amount of hormones who make it their mission to make your life a great sad movie! The stress on your marriage from all the pressure of those sleepless nights! The amount of invitations you will have to decline for the next god knows how long! The friends who will silently leave your life because you are no longer available for them all the time. The little horror scenes at the grocery stores, where you will try every trick you know of, to get that little one to stop his little tantrum! The list is painfully long but no one chooses to break the news to you, instead they give you small hints and invite you to see for yourself. 

They also never tell you about the wonderful moments that you will choose to lock and keep somewhere safe for when those little ones are not so little anymore! They never tell you what it is to have your heart outside your body, moving, walking and running. They never tell you the magic that kids bring into your life! The joy one can get from a smile, hug or kiss. The beauty of life when you have a little one depending on you, knowing and wanting only you! The little hands and feet, the gibberish talk and the toothless smiles! The pride you take when he learns new things! The love… Oh the love! You never ever knew your heart was capable of loving this much, this way! Your heart will burst at the end of each day, and grow a little bigger the next, to make room for more love for that little human being! No one tells you that kids are god’s gift to you, so you can relive your childhood, so you can do what you never had a chance to do when you were a kid, or even when you grew up to be the adult you are now! You see the sun clearer, you admire the shape of rocks, you stop each time you see an ant, you gasp every time you see a star, you walk slower, you laugh harder, you see, hear, smell, touch everything differently! You follow your child’s footsteps and you go along in their slow rhythm! Every time your hand holds that tiny hand, it is an unwritten promise you make to protect your child and keep him safe from every harm! Every day you wake up and hear the little voice mumbling, you thank god for all the blessings! No one tells you about any of these things because no one can ever describe them the way they should be described. No one can ever explain to you what is it to be a mother, and even if someone some day will, you will never ever grasp the real meaning until a piece of your soul comes out of you and becomes your whole life! 

Motherhood is the untold story of sacrifice and bravery! It isn’t for the faint hearted, nor for the empty souls. It is the sacred gift to women…! Women.. These great creatures who in a world bathed in a stuttery glow, make magic gracefully appear! 

Ouiam

When I Refuse To Be My Parents… 

  
As every late afternoon, Adam and I, go for a walk around the block, in our beautiful neighbourhood. Where we stop every two seconds to check out flowers, tiny ants, and even our shadows. We run, we laugh, and we sweat like hell, in this horrible heat! As we do this I ask myself, few years from now, when Adam is four or five years old, will I let him go for walks just like this one, alone? Or even with his little friends?! And no adults around?The answer seems crystal clear to me : It is a firm NO. Then a second question pops in my mind: “But why? I did it as a child all the time”. Yes I did it, and I had so much fun doing it. I remember being five, in a little yellow dress, in my neighbourhood, in my hometown, playing hide and seek with my neighbourhood friends, with no adult supervision at all. Running, laughing, going around the block, removing my shoes so I could run better, with my messy hair, and my sweaty little body! Staying out there for hours, until it starts getting dark, which meant it was time to go home, I would say goodbye to my friends and off I go home. Yes i was only five. I also did it when I was 6,7,8,9….. And I never stopped! 
Can Adam do it too? No way! In this scary, scary, scary world, what can happen to a little boy or girl, alone? I will leave it to your wild imagination!

It isn’t that my parents didn’t care enough to deprive me from these little joys, or that the world I lived in was safer than this one, and definitely not because I was an exceptionally responsible little girl! Then why? And why can’t I do the same thing with my child?! I know damn well how much fun can a child have outside, however I don’t think I will ever be comfortable with the idea that my son is out there, alone, in the world where we live in now! 

Throughout my childhood, the neighbourhood was the place to play, to meet the other kids and get the party starting! Yet never even once, we were bothered by weird creepy people wanting to harm us in anyway. Were we just lucky? I don’t think so, it can’t be JUST luck! 

Although we were alone, us kids, playing outside, yet I am sure so many eyes were on us, protecting us from any possible harm, and I can name few: ” Said”: The owner of the little shop, few feet away from my house; the four neighbours surrounding my house, with their doors open (just like ours was), they would peek through their doors or windows, and check on us from time to time (one of us was theirs anyways); the old men, sitting in the corner, talking while sipping their tea, knowing exactly who each kid was, and if they saw a new one, they would ask who he was, who was his father and where did he live! With all this, why should/would my parents be worried that I was outside alone, playing?! If I had this crew of security “officers” right next door, I sure won’t be worried neither! Unfortunately I don’t! I don’t even know who my neighbours are!! It makes me sad that my son will never know the joy of being free, alone outside, watching the sun come down, or counting the clouds, or running around barefoot alone! Alone, without me, without his dad, without an adult! Yes of course I will always take him to do all these things but I know it wont be the same! 

Whenever I was out alone, I would sink in my deep thoughts, I would pretend that I was alone in this whole wide world, and I would start thinking of complicated things, way too complicated for my age! Outside I was a young adult! Outside I was THE big girl! And I know that my son can’t have that! 

What happened to the world? Why do we close our doors and not even care to know our neighbours anymore? Why we no longer have “Saids” next door, to be our guardian angels! Why there are no old men sitting in the corner drinking their tea while talking, no phones, no Ipads, nothing! Why don’t we have faith in each other anymore! 

How about you? Would you let your kid go out alone with no adults around? Are you scared of the same things I am scared of? What can we do about it? Just sit and watch while we sacrifice our kids’ most momentous moments? 

Ouiam

Leaving Time….

 

So here we are! It’s time to say “Goodbye”, I try to prolong these last few moments as much as i can, eventhough it is now becoming more real and heartbreaking! With my mom, dad, sister, her husband and there three kids. We first hug in the house, then outside right by the door, then after we load the bags in the car! As we shed tears, sob, then say silly jocks and go back to the crying! And one last hug before Adam and i get into the car! I always prefer to ride with only one person to the airport, usually my brother in law. Why? Well, because this way, it hurts less! Because I am an abstainer! I choose to let go of things that I love the most, when I have to, cold turkey style, instead of dragging the pain along with me every minute and every second! 

The ride to the airport is usually a quiet one, where I only say few words to reassure my self that my voice is still there and that the knot in my throat didn’t block it somehow! While my mind races hundred miles an hour, covering every inch of my travel plan, as a way to distract my self. I also start counting the “what if”s: What if I never left home in the first place? What if i still lived here next to my family and friends? What if ..? The answer comes to me, as a shot of adrenaline and a much needed push of courage! Simply, if I did all that, I wouldn’t have met my beloved husband! And I wouldn’t have this Adam! I would probably have another One, but not this “half me half my husband” Adam, and this is more than enough to put that smile back on my face, and brush off any sad or disturbing thought I had! 

See, when you are a woman, you become automatically wired to follow your own family, your husband and kids, wherever they are! You then have the certitude that you will never live in your parents’s house anymore! And you kind of become Okay with it! To me, it even becomes an advantage in marriages, because it brings along a whole new level of love and intimacy with your partner in life! He becomes the father, the mother, the sister, the brother in law, the nieces and the nephew! And it is so neat to have all these feelings wrapped up in one person! When life gets tough and the tough gets tougher, you only turn to that one person and sink in the comfort of their arms and just then you know and feel that you are safe! 

Yet sometimes your brain plays mean tricks on you, it becomes the heartless, cruel monster, that starts wandering in those dark territories, against every wish of yours! And starts coming up with all the dark thoughts, that you try so hard to push to the back of your mind, yet they come back haunting you, just seconds after you foolishly thought you have successfully defeated them! Again: What if? What if something happened to my loved ones? What if my mom..? What if my dad…? I could get lost thinking about this so instead I’ll just stop! 

So yeah! It is leaving time for us! I will be leaving a piece of my heart here, with my family, as I fly to my other home and other family: my husband! Both excited and sad. Confused, scared, happy, and worried! But I keep going, because this is life! Scary, interesting, sad, happy, confusing, inspiring, tough, full of surprises and a thousand more things and another thousand beyond that! 

So until we meet again Oujda, take care of my people and be good to them! 

Ouiam