What’s On Her Mind: Is There Such A Thing As Guilt Free Motherhood

  
What’s On Her Mind number two yaay..! I already love this feature so much and I have so many more amazing women to share their stories, with all of you in the upcoming months. Awesome..!! 
This week a wonderful mama will be sharing with all of us, her words of wisdom. Be sure to check her blog and say hello! So I will leave you with What’s On Her Mind…..

Is there such a thing as Guilt free Motherhood?

The moment you embark on the journey of motherhood, you are made to feel guilty. Guilty for the conscious decisions you make for the betterment of your child. Proven guilty by society or proven guilty by the devil inside your mind. 

The society we live in has all sorts of opinions on what the “done” thing is, whether it be breastfeeding, formula feeding, co-sleeping, self-soothing, being a working mother or a stay at home mother. There are all sorts, isn’t there, but the worst culprit is probably yourself. The mummy guilt that exudes from within is always there. Though we very well known that the mother’s gut instinct is right and also what we should follow, sometimes we end up second-guessing ourselves about our parental decisions. 
These decisions cause so much worry. Am I being too strict to my toddler? Am I giving him a balanced enough meal? Is he reaching all his development milestones at the right age? Am I spending enough time with him? Am I cuddling him enough? Are his toys enriching his developmental skills? Am I encouraging him enough to socialise with other children? Am I not teaching him about stranger danger early enough? Am I reading him enough books each night? I could go on and on but these are some of the thoughts I have on an almost daily basis, and boy is it difficult. 
Of course, my little 15 month old is a healthy happy boy, who walks and babbles away, eating imaginary food with his plastic bowl and spoon, and I know as a mother I have succeeded thus far. However, sometimes we simply need to take a step back from the overwhelming responsibility of motherhood and give ourselves a pat on the back for what we have achieved. Whether you have only been a mother for a day or for a century, if you care enough about your child to worry about them, then you are already doing a great job. I learnt early on that no amount of research was going to teach me how to carry out motherhood; it simply had to be done. Done with an insane amount of patience and endless amount of love. The guilt is just part of the learning curve that mothers go through each day, and needs to be handled accordingly. 
Have I got rid of the mummy guilt? Definitely not. Will I ever be rid of it? Perhaps never. But I sure can take steps towards reducing it and being more confident of my decisions for my child, and I urge all other parents to do the same. So is there such a thing as guilt free motherhood? I believe not. Yet we can take days off when we can look at our offspring and give ourselves a high-five for being a brilliant parent. Before wondering whether you gave them enough cheese to fulfil the GDA dairy quota…

Zeyna 

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What’s On Her Mind….: My New-Mom Crisis

  

  

  Welcome to a new feature series here on Chanel Mama, that will run through the next few months! “What’s On Her Mind” is a special feature just for moms, where other moms will share their good old-fashioned words of wisdom! Since I became a mother, I became so curious to know how do other mamas do it. Although I read all the books and done all the research, it never helped me as much as the advice of another fellow mama! I always find myself loving to hear about other parents’ experiences and taking ideas and inspiration from everything I hear. So why not share these bits and pieces of “Mommy wisdom” with all of you! We will be hearing all sorts of stories, from the simple to the complex, the serious to the silly… So I hope you enjoy! 
The very first featured mama, is one of my very good friends: Maria. A mom to a beautiful little girl. I always love to hear what she has to say and I was thrilled when she accepted to share with us her “Words of Wisdom!”

My New-Mom Crisis 

 

After the first weeks or months of baby oblivion, there comes a time when new moms arise from the fog and wonder, what happened!? Who am I? A mom…will it ever be about me again? Just for a day?

 

Becoming a mom is an incredible blessing that fills life with a wholehearted joy unbeknownst to former pre-mom self. However, life is forever changed in a big way.

 

Most people will tell new moms that they need to make time to take care of themselves. But how do we really do that without making sacrifices when it comes to our child’s care? Its not like you can take two hours, and boom! You have now taken care of your physical, social, emotional, and intellectual needs for the next month. How can we possibly fulfill our needs when we are responsible for another human being who can’t do anything without our help (for more than a few minutes any way)? What a huge responsibility. 

 

I remember my crisis moment, when I couldn’t just focus on the baby anymore. I needed a change, a diversion, something. So I took my 8-month old daughter to the UAE so that I could explore career opportunities. We moved out of our apartment in Bahrain and into suitcases bound for a hotel in Abu Dhabi. I met with recruiters and went on job interviews. It felt great to be out alone…to wear a suit and heels and converse with professionals. However after a month or so I realized I would not find a work situation that would allow me to still give my daughter the time and attention I felt she needed and that I wanted to give her at that age. So that adventure was over. We moved back to Bahrain. 

 

Instead of thinking about jobs, I decided to start a volunteer group. I got in touch with local charities that needed volunteers and formed a group of like-minded people on social media. I could now contribute my time and talents to worthy causes on a schedule that I dictate. I was meeting other like-minded adults, addressing important issues, learning about the local culture, and helping people in need. Volunteering helped filled that void I felt by leaving the workforce. 

 

I’m still working to find better ways to get in my regular workouts and always looking for mom life hacks. I still have days when I just want to cry because I can’t take the screaming anymore. Sometimes I have doubts that I am making the right decisions and doing the right thing for my family. But no matter what we are actually doing in our lives, we will still have those days. We just make the best decisions we can for the time being. As our situation changes, we reassess and adjust. 

 

I’m very blessed to be a mom, to have the opportunity to volunteer, and the luxury to stay home with my daughter. I’m lucky to have the choice to do what I feel is best for my family, and not be forced into a situation by circumstances. 

 

I just want other moms to know that its completely normal to go through mini-crisis during motherhood, especially in the early days. There are so many new choices many of us have to make as moms, to work or to stay at home with our children, to hire a babysitter or not, and if so, how often. How much “me” time do we need to maintain our sanity, and how best to use it. No one can tell us what’s right for us and our families. It’s something we have to figure out on our own, and sometimes by trial and error. I’m sure you can think of a bunch of awesome people, who are doing great things, and who you respect. And I bet they all had very different moms and upbringings. There is no one formula for being a great mom or that guarantees a successful upbringing of your child. 

 

So what have you learned about your new-mom self? What have you incorporated into your life as mom to ensure you are meeting your needs, and how have you done that? I would love to learn from you.
Thank you! 

 
 

Why I Rather Be A Mom On Mars….

  

Having kids, is having your heart go walking outside your body. I remember hearing it when I was pregnant and thinking: “Oh No! I won’t be that kind of moms!” Little did I know, that it would be even worse than what I was warned of! It is as if my heart is separated from my body and walking away! And what is even worse is that it will always be this way, even if he is 10,20,30,…..90years old! So yes I am that kind of moms: I only have eyes for my son. I take hundreds of photos of my kid and I spend every minute of my son’s time with him! Also, there are things -lots of them- that totally set off my spidey sense! And things that simply upset me! And make me wanna live in another planet! Here are few of them:
1- When people offer food to my toddler. I realise how nice of a gesture this is, and that they only do it because they are friendly and generous. However, my son has many food allergies so far, and I can’t just risk having him getting sick because someone has offered him something he never had before! 
2- When people kiss my son on the cheeks (or anywhere on his face). One word: Germs!!!!! I am not a fan of sleepless nights due to sickness, therefore I am totally against people kissing babies/toddlers! 

3- When people ask me why do I put my son to sleep at 7pm! Simply because babies/toddlers need at least 12 hours of sleep at night, for their brain’s development! It is also important for restoring their energy! Not to mention that since I am the only one who takes care of my son most of the time (no babysitter, no nanny, just me and my husband), I need to rest! Ooh yeah and also: My house My rules lol!! 

4- When people ask with an accusing tone of voice, why don’t I use medication when my son is sick and instead completely rely on home remedies! The answer is very simple, there is nothing wrong with using natural remedies to treat any kind of illnesses. They have been used years and years ago, and it has been proven to give more benefits than its over the counter counterparts. 

5- When people ask me why don’t I get some help and hire a babysitter: I never complained first of all, then under no circumstances I would like to miss a minute of my baby’s life! These baby/toddler days are very numbered and will soon finish! So I am taking advantage of each second and minute I still have! Yes it is tiring but I wouldn’t have it any other way!!  

I am sure every Mama has her own fears, likes and dislikes. I am also sure not everyone agrees with me and that’s Okay. However, I am very curious to know the little things that piss you off, as a mother, and what makes you uncomfortable as a parent! Please share! 
Ouiam 

Be Careful…… Or Not!

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Growing up, I was told to never walk barefoot, to never go to unfamiliar places without a family member, to never play with the mud or sand because my clothes will get dirty. And I have done just as I was told. While these rules seem perfectly logical and reasonable, now I wish I had rebelled against them, at least once in my childhood. I remember when I was about seven years old, my brother bought me a super cool bicycle, a green one. And he taught me how to ride it. However, I was told to only play with it in the backyard, so years after this, when I was about 15 years old, I met a new friend and while talking we discovered that we were once neighbors, so she said “Oh you are the little girl with the green bicycle who never left their backyard?” we laughed and laughed about it, but I secretly felt a little sad that it was so true, I actually never left our backyard with that cool bicycle! and I wished I had done the opposite, even once in all those years! My mom was a teacher and whoever was raised by a teacher, will understand what I am talking about. Discipline was vitally important in our household! And I thank god for that, because thanks to the way my mom raised me, I am who I am today, I know my limits and what is wrong and right! Yet I wish I could have got my hands and clothes dirty while playing in the mud, or felt the ground with my bare feet, while running and screaming like the rest of my friends did, I wish I took that green bicycle around the neighborhood, I wish I wasn’t careful at times, I wish I fell more and scratched my knees, I wish I broke a leg while climbing a tree. I know my wishes might sound absurd to some of you, but that is the truth! I do wish I didn’t hear too many “be careful”s!

Today and because of all the “be careful”s I heard, I am always careful, way too careful. I do not like to go to the beach because I don’t like the sand, I am scared of all kind of animals, I never climb anything, I never walk barefoot! And that is exactly why I do things differently with Adam. Because I lived the other side of the story and I did not like it! I want my child to decide for himself how he wants to be entertained. The other day, we went for a walk with a friend, her sons and her dog: Harvey! He looked like a very sweet dog! It was Adam’s first time to encounter a dog, he liked him first but when Harvey came closer, he panicked, well actually, we both did, so I had to fight my fear, and touch the dog because how else will my son learn that it is okay to play with dogs! I had to fight the urge to run, I had to keep calm and explore, myself, how it feels like to caress and play with a dog! Few minutes later Adam was indulging himself in some Harvey and Adam time! And I was in cloud nine! I did it!! And therefore he did it too!!

Few months ago, at a birthday party, Adam was still crawling commando style, and of course he was being the little active and energetic little boy he is. He was all over the place, crawling left, right and center. I overheard two lovely women, wondering why I left my child crawling the way he did, on a floor where germs were having a little party of their own, and one of them decided that i did it because I was too tired and had no one to help me with Adam. It was very funny because it was not the first time I hear these kind of comments, and surprisingly, they make me happy! I realize how different I am doing my job as a mama, and it makes me happy! I was right behind my son, making sure that he was safe, yet I didn’t stop him from getting dirty or exploring the surroundings. Actually, I always insist on taking him to the play in the grass, with the mud and sand, explore, and get those little fingers and toes dirty (nothing that a 5 minutes bath cannot fix), I teach him how to climb and how to get down, I let him walk barefoot in the supermarket, pushing the trolley around, while strangers shoot me with their angry looks, and that is totally fine!

Although being too careful allowed me to be more creative and innovative, it unleashed my imagination and spread my wings, yet I still wish I wasn’t careful all the time. And it is such a great blessing to be able to learn so much while teaching my son not to be careful! Parenting is letting go of your child a little more every day, it is growing together while growing apart. Parenting is tricky, but I know from my own experience that it is okay to let kids be kids, it is Okay not to control every moment and hold back because of our fears! So every day I try to teach my little one to fly on his own, little by little, until one day he can do it all by himself! Until we both can do it on our own!

Ouiam

Yes I am JUST a Mom….!

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Yes I am JUST a mom, doing mummy stuff all day long. I spend my days with a little baby, feeding and bathing him, reading and playing with him. We go out for walks when the weather permits, we sing and have dance parties, we jump and crawl together, we paint and color. You know just mummy stuff!! And yes when people tell me “Oh yeah you are JUST a mom” I smile, I feel proud, I give myself a pat on the shoulder and say: “Yes I am A MOM!!”. I do not get offended, it never bothers me, because to me, being a mom is the greatest job in the world and that is just enough for me. Because when my son looks me right in the eyes, and smiles, that is all the acknowledgment I need. Because when my husband says: “I am here now, go take a break, you’ve done a lot today”, that is the only form of appreciation I want! I think of my mom and my grandmother, and all the greatest women in my life, and yes some of them might be JUST moms to some people but they mean the whole world to me!

When I meet someone for the first time, and they ask me: “So what do you do? “ I proudly reply: “I am a full time mama!” I can see a glimpse of disappointment in their eyes, a little awkward smile follows, and most of them change the subject instantly! I, on the other hand, feel sorry for them, because they seem so embarrassed. I feel like telling them: it is Okay! I am who I am and I love it!

Yes I am who I am and I love it! I am a mama! Nevertheless, I am a woman too, a woman who spends her free time working so hard to make herself better every day! A woman, full of ambition and ideas! I am also a wife to a great man; a daughter to wonderful parents! a sister and a friend! I am a human being and that is enough for me. I do not need a job to define me, I might want a job to satisfy a tiniest part in me that is hidden for now, but it will never define who I am. This is how I see myself and with everyday/ week/ month/ year, this vision changes, converts, rotates and I am Okay with that too!

I most definitely congratulate every working mama! Because they simply are superheroes! They are powerful, strong and selfless women! And they are wonderfully respecting who they are and who they want to be! Nonetheless, this does not downgrade full time mamas in any possible way!

Being a mother empowers me in the most satisfying way! I teach a little human being bits and pieces about life, I take his little hand and walk with him, guide him and be there for him, I build and create his memories! I shape his childhood and toddlerhood! I am his Mama! And that is more than enough for me, for now!

If you feel the same way too, let me know, share your story too…!

Ouiam

Because i was not always a Mom….

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Because I was not always a Mom, I know what it is to be the lady in the queue, mumbling under her breath and eyeballing the other lady with a crying toddler. Because I was not always a Mom, I know what it is to be the lady in the restaurant sending angry looks to the mama sitting beside her, whose child is making a mess while eating! Because I was not always a mom, I know what it is to be the lady who glances over at the mom ignoring her little one, who is screaming his little heart out calling her, right there in front of her! Because I was not always a mom, I know what it is to be the sister/friend/cousin who thinks why on earth would a parent give an Ipad to his/her child! Because I was not always a mom, I know what it is to be the flight attendant, who wishes parents with infants never leave their home for a vacation! Because I was not always a mom, I know what it is to be the friend who gets frustrated when her new mama-friend cancels their plan at the last minute. I know and I understand. I was there! I vowed that when I become a mother, none of the above would happen. Because I would do things right, I would do things by the book. My child will never throw tantrums at the grocery store, my child will never make a mess in the house, my child will never ……… ( I have an enormous list of NEVERs).

Now, here we are, I am a mother of a one year old little babe, he is still a baby (I refuse to admit that he is actually a toddler now), he still doesn’t get to do much from the list above, however, I see it coming! And I see myself becoming that mom. This does not freak me out, it doesn’t even bother me! I will proudly be that mama! The mama who tries her best to be the best at this crazy parenting thing! Who doesn’t figure it out all the time but she is constantly trying! A mom who stops for a minute, takes a deep breath, and puts back on her smile and her Mickey mouse voice and keeps going with “ yes honey bunny you have to sit down while eating” or “ you are not supposed to scream darling” or “ sweetheart, you need to be gentle with your friends if you want to keep them” or  for the 101 time say “ baby boy, you should not throw your food”. There are no rules, no guidelines of how a mama should be! She should be herself and that’s it! There is a huge propaganda out there, of what “Perfect “is when it comes to motherhood, and I refuse to even acknowledge it! There is no “perfect”! We are all trying, trying, and trying again. When a day is over and we put our heads on a pillow and tell ourselves “we didn’t do too bad today” that is my “Perfect”! When we say “Oh man! What a tough day! But tomorrow will be better” that is my “Perfect”!

So today, when at the grocery store and my little one decides to sing so loud I just smile and let him, i don’t and will never try to stop him, no matter how many angry looks I get, I just “don’t care”! When in the airplane and he wants to be all over the place (as long as he is not touching or bothering the passenger next to me) I will let him. As long as he is safe, responsible and disciplined I will let him! I will always let him explore and be adventurous! I will always let him inquire and satisfy his curiosity.

I was once judgmental and never understood why would anyone bring a crying, completely dependent little human being to the world, but now I do, and I understand how possibly everyone who is “childless” will and should wonder the same thing. I just smile now and nod and secretly (in my head) I tell them just wait a little longer and you will see!

I have to mention though, that as every rule in this world, there is always an exception! I have a couple of wonderful single girlfriends who adore my little baby and are so gentle and patient with him (and me). Who will always choose to meet up somewhere close to my house if not come over to my place because they know how difficult it has become to be out and about. Who will offer to carry him and play with him the whole time, because they enjoy it and not because they have to. Who will not get upset if I cancel a date because something came up, and instead they will ask:  “is there anything I can do?” These beautiful friends of mine are the exception. They will make awesome wonderful little mamas! And Adam and I, we adore them.

So here, I send all the mamas in the world, the biggest hug, and tell them not to worry about the angry looks, the mumbling, or the judgmental comments. You are doing your best and that is all what matters.

Ouiam

Mornings with Adam 

Little noises coming from the monitor on my bedside table, and before I even open my eyes, I have a smile on my face, I know exactly what he is doing: sitting on his bed, playing with his blanky and his “teddy” the bear. Talking and laughing, entertaining himself while Mama gets ready and comes to make her grand Entrance with her “Good Morning” song. I will still be lingering under the blanket until I know that he means business! The minute I open the door, I am instantly  received by his delightful lovable “Apple Face”, with his biggest smile on, his arms up, ready to be carried. Sweet kisses and the warmest hugs follow. Now we are ready to kick-start the day and make it the best we can!

I love every bit of my mornings, I know they will change soon, sooner than I think, so I try to keep them safe in my heart and my mind, I take plenty of pictures and videos and just hope I can stop the time right here and right now.

Adam knows what is coming next, he comes to our favorite corner in the room, snuggles with me while he has his milk, then playtime is on! Hide and seek, throwing things from the bed, dance parties, getting under the bed, opening drawers and taking all the clothes out. Any random activity that will make mama sweat while cleaning up, seems to be a favorite game of his. Who needs toys anyways!

8:30am signals Breakfast time!!  Here we are, downstairs, and the house suddenly gets so busy and noisy. A fading “Ding ding dang” coming from the play area in our living room, where Adam is tackling the little piano, A “Tak” from the toaster, the fridge opening and closing, plates and spoons on the move, Pharrell Williams on full volume, while we all (well mostly me) sing along with him “ Because I am happy”. With the occasional whining and complaining coming from a little peanut who is so ready for his breakfast! Adam usually has either a toast with Dada’s homemade jam ( because Dada makes the best jam at home and we love devouring it!) ,or  lots of fruits either as a puree with some vanilla or cinnamon or just pieces with some yogurt, or pancakes with some oatmeal cereals. Next to him, Mama has her fruits too! And this is one of my favorite moments of the day, while we are both having our breakfast, listening to some music, and talking about what we will do during the day (I do the talking and Adam responds in his baby language lol). And deep down I know that this is one of the things I will miss terribly as the time flies by!

Once we are done, I take Adam for a shower. By then he starts showing signs of tiredness, so we go back to our favorite corner in the room, we snuggle again while we read our morning story “Pluche mon doudou prefere” a French story that I was reading to him since he was in my womb, and now it is his favorite.  I tuck him in bed, we cuddle for some time until he lands safely in “Lala land “. Happy morning nap!

The house succumbs in a dreadful silence. Glimpses of my mornings before Adam crawl into my mind, reminding me of how different they were, how serene and calm and so unlike this one and the previous ones.  I take few sips of my long awaited for coffee and cherish every minute of this deep and comforting silence, while I make plans for the day, from what is for lunch, to what are we going to do today, to what we will both wear! Then I set my hand on my kindle and get lost in a good book, until my little friend wakes up and we go through our day with every intention to make it the best yet!

I love my mornings with Adam, they are bright and full of joy and happiness, they are my favorite kind of days!

Ouiam

Adam’s birth story : When God Has Mercy!

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Today I finally decided to get it out of my chest; today I decided to share, not only an experience, but a piece of my soul. I decided to allow myself to be vulnerable in front of the whole world.  If you were wondering, why would anyone do such, well the answer is simple, to raise awareness, to help women out there who have been where i was and can’t figure out yet how to deal with it, women who are at risk  and might go through what I have been through. Mainly to tell the world that giving birth is no piece of cake.

I have to start from when I was only 12 weeks pregnant, when I suddenly had some mild pain in the lower abdomen, being a first time Mama, of course I rushed to the hospital, where my doctor has reassured me (or at least she tried to) by saying that I had a case of “ placenta previa” I had no clue what that was, and she didn’t seem to care about explaining some more. However after long hours spent on Google I finally got it. “Placenta previa (pluh-SEN-tuh PREH-vee-uh) occurs when a baby’s placenta partially or totally covers the opening in the mother’s cervix. Placenta previa can cause severe bleeding before or during delivery.” My doctor insisted though that at 12 weeks of pregnancy,  it was way too soon to predict anything, since the placenta had plenty of time to migrate to its usual place.

This revelation never caused me any doubt about the kind of delivery I was going to have, my birth plan was ready ( yes at 12 weeks). I had a doula with her number on my speed dial. I was going to have this beautiful baby in the most natural way, with some Margot Reisinger’s music in the background, my doula right next to me, my husband holding my hand, while my Hypnobirthing lessons pay off. I had it all figured out. Little did I know, God had other plans for me. This being said i have to admit that i enjoyed every single minute of my pregnancy. Having  a high risk pregnancy, never stopped me from celebrating everyday with my big rounded belly .

This might be long so you might as well grab a cup of tea, sit in your most comfortable sofa and just bear with me, while I take you back  to the 6th of February 2014.

It was a cold icy Thursday in New York City, piles of snow everywhere ( as if mother nature was trying to give me signs of how complicated this day would be) , Me,  with my surreal optimism, chose to look away!

There I was, laying on a hospital’s bed, with my husband and my dearest stepmother in law, all excited and giggly. That’s it, the day I had waited for, for 36 weeks and 5 days, has finally arrived! I was going to meet my beautiful baby very, very soon. I had no idea of the gender of the baby as I refused to know all this time, I wanted to keep it a surprise, to when I see him/her for the first time, it really didn’t matter to me whether it was a boy or a girl, all  I cared about was to have a healthy little baby.

At noon I was being taken by few nurses to the operating room where I was going to have a C-Section done, due to my severe case of a complete Placenta Previa( yes you have guessed right, my placenta hasn’t moved an inch). I am laying in that bed, shivering, not sure whether it is from the cold or if I am just a tiny little bit scared from what was going to happen, after all, C-Section is a major operation. I close my eyes in a failed attempt to relax, a beautiful nurse “ Tracy” by my side holding my hand telling me that it was going to be OK.  My husband finally comes in, I think that is when I finally got my breathing and heartbeats under control.

My doctor comes in, a man who lacked any facial expressions, ready to do what he does every single day, what he is extremely good at, and in no time it all started, it was painful, I am not going to lie about it, however it was very short. In about 10 minutes I could hear a tiny little baby crying and as I have requested, my husband hands me this beautiful baby saying :” It’s a boy!” I have given birth to a little baby boy!

It took me two hours to wake up and realize that i was not dreaming, I did give birth to a baby boy! And while waiting for him to come to his mama’s arms, I started having the worst kind of pain. My sister in law calls the nurse who in turn calls the doctor, it didn’t take him long before he transformed the room to a scene from Grey’s anatomy: curtains closed, my husband thrown away, the one doctor becomes 4 doctors and about 5 nurses. I had no idea what was happening,  all I can remember is the agonizing pain I was feeling. I was rushed back to the operating room for the first surgery after my C-Section. I was having a severe postpartum hemorrhage.

Everything was hazy and foggy; I could remember a nurse on my left stroking my hair, and my arm, telling me I will be fine. I remember asking her how long it will take. It was not painful, it was just uncomfortable, just like when you are at the beauty salon getting your hair colored, waiting for the lady who applied the color to reappear and tells you it was finally time to wash that hair!

When it was eventually done, I remember seeing my husband who was waiting outside, he was talking to the doctor, whose face now was full of complicated expressions that I could not discern, yet my husband’s face said it all: something was very wrong with me!

I wake up at around 5 am, my husband by my side as always, he was asleep though, he must have been exhausted. I remember being exceptionally thirsty, I hadn’t have water or food for the last 32 hours.

Shortly after that, my doctor appears, in his white coat, with a blond doctor who I thought looked exactly like Katherine Heigl (Izzie) from Greay’s anatomy ( I have no idea why Grey’s anatomy was all I could think of then, I don’t even watch the damn series!)

With the steadiest voice, my doctor tells me that results were back from the lab and I am losing way too much blood, I needed to have a hysterectomy done within 20 minutes. I could not believe what I was hearing! I close my eyes for a second, reopen them again, No, I am not dreaming, this is real! Me a 27 years old  healthy young woman, who just had her first baby, will have to be stripped from her womanhood forever! I could almost hear my unborn children crying for help! Asking me to do something to make their coming to the world a possibility, I look for my husband’s eyes yet I couldn’t meet his gaze, i guess he was as shocked as i was. For about a minute every muscle in my body collapsed and it felt like I was dying right there. Then I gathered every ounce of courage I had (which then, I wasn’t even sure I had). And I looked at the doctor straight in his eyes, I told him “NO” with the most convincing voice ever, at least I hopped it would be. I wasn’t going to have a hysterectomy! This is 2014! We are in New York City! In the USA for god’s sake! There must be something else we can do! And if I had to die then be it! But I will not live my life without my beloved uterus!! All my life I was called stubborn, I never liked it, yet this specific day I thank god I was nothing but a stubborn strong woman who knew exactly what she wanted!

Not to bore you with details, the doctors did come up with a solution: two more surgeries to bring up the total number of surgeries I had to 4. They were not the least sure whether it was going to work or not but they listened to me and tried! After 10 days in ICU, I was reborn! I was there with my uterus and my little baby boy in my arms! I was never happier in my whole life, I was not dead, I was not WOMANLESS! I was outstandingly grateful and thankful to god for this blessing! I was also thankful to the doctors who chose to listen to me instead of listening to the voice of reason and science! I never intended for my delivery to be this way, but God wanted it to, he gave me the strength to go through all that with a smile and an angelic attitude.  It really doesn’t matter how nor  what happened while delivering my little baby boy, all what i care about is that he was a healthy baby! who is 1 year and few weeks old now!

Through this story, I wish every woman gets to know how strong we all are! How strong our bodies are, to what extent they will go to deliver a healthy growing little human being! Future Mamas Listen to your bodies! Let it determine how it wants to bring this baby to the world, it is not the call of a bunch of people in white coats. They do not know you, they don’t know what you are capable of! Women are God’s greatest creation! Yet we are never appreciated the way we need to be, so let us start from here, let us appreciate our selves! Let us cherish our bodies! Let us be the women, God created us to be!

Ouiam

Words from an ex Flight Attendant.

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It seems like an eternity, yet it has only been few years since I left a job I started when I was twenty. Being a flight attendant when you are twenty years old, is actually living the dream.  It is spending your Monday in Paris, your Tuesday in Bahrain, your Wednesday in Bangkok, Thursday in Kuala Lumpur and the weekend, by the pool, after having a manicure, a pedicure and a massage done. It is the real meaning of Shop until you drop because you can. It is being among tons of friends who have the same job as you do, the same messy schedule and messiest habits, the same perception of how easy life can be.

I was still a little girl, who hardly knew anything in life, a girl who smiled at strangers and could never remember names of people she worked with. A girl who thought life was all about fancy handbags, shoes, and expensive clothes. A little girl, who simply could be a little girl, in the most selfish ways!

Now I look back and I can barely recognize this girl in the woman I have become, most importantly, in the mother I have become. When Adam was born, last year, in that very moment I held him in my arms, his little face against my chin, I knew something deep inside of me has changed forever. I felt this way when we took him home, when we took him to his first doctor’s appointment, when he first said Mama, and every single day that followed. When I became a mother, it was as if some dark parts fell away. Like if, my mind did some kind of restructuring and came up with a new list of things that really matter. Every morning I wake up with a deep feeling of fulfillment and contentment, knowing that I was given an opportunity to be better, to be my best.

When Adam was about a month, I realized that he would never be a month again; this hit me like a bucket of cold water! I realized that nothing was as important as spending every single second of my life cherishing and loving this baby in my arms. This was my real happiness, my pure joy.

When I am running around after my little baby boy, trying to catch my breath and keep up with him, when I am busy in the kitchen trying to fix a meal and I hear in the background a baby’s laughter and the most caring fathers doing the silliest things to amuse the little one, when I wake up in the morning to some “ daaa” and some “mamaaaa” coming from the monitor beside me.  I just take a second to close my eyes and soak it all in. I am terrefied to miss a moment from this beautiful chapter in our lives, If I could, I would lock them all up in a very safe place, and run to them every time I feel the need to!

I no longer long for designers bags and shoes, I no longer need to go out every night to fancy places, I no longer feel the need to put make up on every time I leave the house, I am no longer eager to please everybody around me, I no longer need a job or a career to feel content, I no longer care about who said what about me, I am no longer the little girl I was once. This is how my life changed since I became a mother; this is how small things never seem to bother me the way they used to; this is how I only focus on the positive and only see the big picture.

I love the little girl I was, and if i were to do it again, I will still be that same little girl.  It was a stage in my life, it was who I once was, and I am proud of it, I would have never reached where I am now if it was not for that little girl.

I have grown much since, became more mature and much wiser, I am who I am now because I am a mother and  motherhood is a badge I proudly wear and will wear forever.

Ouiam

A letter to Adam

imageSince I had you in my arms, and felt your heartbeats, touched your little hands and little feet, oh well!! little everything!! I am just in awe about how much love I have for you! I am not sure if all mothers do love their kids the way I do, it is just a whole new level of love!

Every day I tell myself,  it is impossible to love you more, just to find out the next day, that my heart grew a little bigger, to carry much more love for you!

You came to this world, wanted as ever! And with every passing day,  you teach me a new thing about myself! It is so funny that a little peanut like you teaches me!! – me, who has been living in this world for 28 years-  Yet you do!!  You show me every day that with you, I can always be a better me! When you look right into my eyes and smile, I feel like you are telling me “ Yes Mama! You are doing a good job!” I love every single thing we do every single day!!

Already, and at one year old, we all can see your bubbly and fun personality, your happy, happy face all over the place! You are the perfect textbook baby for this textbook Mama!!

Every time I hug you very close to my heart, (because that is where you were and where you are and where you will always be, that is where you belong). I can smell your baby smell that kills me and brings me back to life again, while you sit there enjoying being in my arms, looking happy as ever, smiling to your Mama, laughing every time you get a squishy squish kiss from me, you draw the biggest smile in my heart. that is my “right now”, that is the “right now’ i hope never ends!!