The Untold Stories Of Motherhood…. 

  

It has been almost two years since I embarked in this wonderful journey of motherhood, it is kind of hard to believe, because it feels like I gave birth just few months ago, but yeah! 21months have passed since the day I officially became a mother. And boy what a journey has it been! See, when you get pregnant, people around you feel the need to warn you…! Warn you about tons of things, like the sleepless nights, or the absence of any “Me” time, or they might even strike a little harder and tell you that your life will never be the same again. You smile, you nod, you might get scared a little, but you know that YOU will do it differently… Not because you know what they are talking about… Hell how would you know? This is only your first child! But because it is simply YOU!

What no one warns you about is the huge responsibility placed on your hands. The midnight crises from all the exhaustion and the great amount of hormones who make it their mission to make your life a great sad movie! The stress on your marriage from all the pressure of those sleepless nights! The amount of invitations you will have to decline for the next god knows how long! The friends who will silently leave your life because you are no longer available for them all the time. The little horror scenes at the grocery stores, where you will try every trick you know of, to get that little one to stop his little tantrum! The list is painfully long but no one chooses to break the news to you, instead they give you small hints and invite you to see for yourself. 

They also never tell you about the wonderful moments that you will choose to lock and keep somewhere safe for when those little ones are not so little anymore! They never tell you what it is to have your heart outside your body, moving, walking and running. They never tell you the magic that kids bring into your life! The joy one can get from a smile, hug or kiss. The beauty of life when you have a little one depending on you, knowing and wanting only you! The little hands and feet, the gibberish talk and the toothless smiles! The pride you take when he learns new things! The love… Oh the love! You never ever knew your heart was capable of loving this much, this way! Your heart will burst at the end of each day, and grow a little bigger the next, to make room for more love for that little human being! No one tells you that kids are god’s gift to you, so you can relive your childhood, so you can do what you never had a chance to do when you were a kid, or even when you grew up to be the adult you are now! You see the sun clearer, you admire the shape of rocks, you stop each time you see an ant, you gasp every time you see a star, you walk slower, you laugh harder, you see, hear, smell, touch everything differently! You follow your child’s footsteps and you go along in their slow rhythm! Every time your hand holds that tiny hand, it is an unwritten promise you make to protect your child and keep him safe from every harm! Every day you wake up and hear the little voice mumbling, you thank god for all the blessings! No one tells you about any of these things because no one can ever describe them the way they should be described. No one can ever explain to you what is it to be a mother, and even if someone some day will, you will never ever grasp the real meaning until a piece of your soul comes out of you and becomes your whole life! 

Motherhood is the untold story of sacrifice and bravery! It isn’t for the faint hearted, nor for the empty souls. It is the sacred gift to women…! Women.. These great creatures who in a world bathed in a stuttery glow, make magic gracefully appear! 

Ouiam

Do You Remember….?

  
Do you remember… ?! 

The heart skipping a beat, the butterflies in the stomach, the state of euphoria….

When you first met him, when your eyes first met his gaze, and you felt cold, then hot, then cold again! You passed your hand through your hair just to show everyone how nonchalant, indifferent, calm and casual you were… 

Those nights when you kept wondering how he felt?! And secretly hoped that he felt the same… And blushed when you secretly realised what you hoped for…

When you finally had the courage to tell yourself the secret that has been lingering around for some time! And felt happy and content knowing that you finally came out of the closet! The indifference closet… 

When you knew that one day you will be his, yet you didn’t know how you knew… 

And the day came, with the rush of adrenaline, the tears, the hands and lips shaking, the not so gentle butterflies this time, the feeling that nothing else exists anymore…. You can’t remember anymore, because those seconds felt like years and years. Him coming down the aisle….. (Because in Arabic weddings he does, not the bride)! 
You wanted to cry but you didn’t want to spoil your makeup! You wanted to do a little victory dance but you couldn’t risk the guests thinking you were a little too crazy! You wanted to press the pause button but you didn’t really want to! 
Do you remember now….?! 

Actually dear reader, I would like to apologise for misleading you. I never meant to use the pronoun “you”, I was talking about me. Me and the love of my life… My husband! 

Sometimes I don’t remember any of that, because I am tired or I am busy or I am just not in the mood. Because I focus more on him being my big spoon, my foot warmer, the place I lay my head at night. The hand I reach for when I cross the street, the eyes I look at during the saddest and the funniest parts of movies, the side I nudge when we find secrete humour in an ordinary thing! The partner in crime, the food taster, the IT man….! 

Some other times, While I am stirring the food, or picking up the milk from the fridge, or just getting into my car, a wave of memories showers me. I stop for a second, with the widest smile… I feel my heart skipping a beat. I feel the butterflies in my stomach. I get into that same state of euphoria ….! So yes I still remember, I still go there when I need to, I still remember … Yes I do… 
Ouiam 

Leaving Time….

 

So here we are! It’s time to say “Goodbye”, I try to prolong these last few moments as much as i can, eventhough it is now becoming more real and heartbreaking! With my mom, dad, sister, her husband and there three kids. We first hug in the house, then outside right by the door, then after we load the bags in the car! As we shed tears, sob, then say silly jocks and go back to the crying! And one last hug before Adam and i get into the car! I always prefer to ride with only one person to the airport, usually my brother in law. Why? Well, because this way, it hurts less! Because I am an abstainer! I choose to let go of things that I love the most, when I have to, cold turkey style, instead of dragging the pain along with me every minute and every second! 

The ride to the airport is usually a quiet one, where I only say few words to reassure my self that my voice is still there and that the knot in my throat didn’t block it somehow! While my mind races hundred miles an hour, covering every inch of my travel plan, as a way to distract my self. I also start counting the “what if”s: What if I never left home in the first place? What if i still lived here next to my family and friends? What if ..? The answer comes to me, as a shot of adrenaline and a much needed push of courage! Simply, if I did all that, I wouldn’t have met my beloved husband! And I wouldn’t have this Adam! I would probably have another One, but not this “half me half my husband” Adam, and this is more than enough to put that smile back on my face, and brush off any sad or disturbing thought I had! 

See, when you are a woman, you become automatically wired to follow your own family, your husband and kids, wherever they are! You then have the certitude that you will never live in your parents’s house anymore! And you kind of become Okay with it! To me, it even becomes an advantage in marriages, because it brings along a whole new level of love and intimacy with your partner in life! He becomes the father, the mother, the sister, the brother in law, the nieces and the nephew! And it is so neat to have all these feelings wrapped up in one person! When life gets tough and the tough gets tougher, you only turn to that one person and sink in the comfort of their arms and just then you know and feel that you are safe! 

Yet sometimes your brain plays mean tricks on you, it becomes the heartless, cruel monster, that starts wandering in those dark territories, against every wish of yours! And starts coming up with all the dark thoughts, that you try so hard to push to the back of your mind, yet they come back haunting you, just seconds after you foolishly thought you have successfully defeated them! Again: What if? What if something happened to my loved ones? What if my mom..? What if my dad…? I could get lost thinking about this so instead I’ll just stop! 

So yeah! It is leaving time for us! I will be leaving a piece of my heart here, with my family, as I fly to my other home and other family: my husband! Both excited and sad. Confused, scared, happy, and worried! But I keep going, because this is life! Scary, interesting, sad, happy, confusing, inspiring, tough, full of surprises and a thousand more things and another thousand beyond that! 

So until we meet again Oujda, take care of my people and be good to them! 

Ouiam

Morocco, Oujda….. And We Meet Again! 

  

In my old room, in the home where i spent my childhood! Here i am again. With my son wandering around, the way i once did! Touching things i once touched! Living the life i once lived! And it feels absolutely delightful! 

Coming home has become a luxury i only offer my self once or twice a year. First, because it is so far and extremely tiring! It takes me about 24hrs from the time i leave my current home, till the time i reach my old home! Second, because now i have a baby and you try making this trip with an active, full of energy little boy like mine lol! However, once home, i forget the pain of the trip and get lost in the opulent comfort of being home, surrounded by the dearest people to my heart! Although we grow and evolve and change in so many ways, being home, somehow always makes us go back in time, to all the little happy moments, or the not so happy ones! Being home enables us to bring the child within us, without a glimpse of shame! 
I once heard that half the feeling of home is usually a person! And this is profoundly true! Home to me is my parents, my sister and her family, my cousins and my aunts and uncles! When i dream about coming home, i let my mind wander into all those little tea parties, we usually have, where everyone is talking to everyone- yes at the same time- yet we all have the magical power to understand, follow and even reply at the same time! This always fascinated me! And i crave it whenever i am away from home. I equally crave all the goodies prepared by all the beautiful ladies in my family lol! When i think of home, I fly to the mornings we spend talking over tea, just to be pleasantly interrupted by a neighbour who simply wants to say hi! Knocking on other people’s doors for no reason other than saying hello, is how i was brought up! And that is what i greatly miss in my life right now! The simplicity of life that we once had, yet lost in the craziness and busyness of life, is what i mourn! So when i come home, i try to recharge my soul, i try to soak up every minute and every beautiful, meaningful moment. 
One of life’s greatest pleasures, is being among people who truly deeply love you, no matter who you are, what you do or say, what you think or wear, what you have or don’t have, what you believe in or what you don’t! My family has been and will always be, my strength and my weakness! So for the next three weeks, I will let my self savor the time spent in my my hometown, with the people i love the most, i will also write a lot and post a lot of pictures so stick around ;)! 
Ouiam

Secrets about love….!

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Have you ever felt unloved? Unwanted? Or even invisible? You will be the luckiest if your answer is NO! Kids might feel unloved by their parents, wives at times feel invisible to their husbands, parents at some point, feel unwelcome to their children’s lives. Suddenly we feel like a dark cloud has migrated and declared our hearts its territory! We feel defeated and hopeless! We begin to see ourselves so small and it hurts! No matter who will make us feel this way, whether it is a spouse or a parent or a brother or friend, it will still keep us from sleeping at night, even though we will pretend that we couldn’t care less, to save the tiniest piece of our pride and dignity that remained.

But wait a minute!! What is love? How do we define a person who cares about us? How do you know what the other person feels like, if you have no magical power to enter his heart and steal a glance? One evening, few months ago, and while putting Adam to sleep, I had an epiphany: we don’t all love the same way nor with the same capacity!! It might be old news to you, but realizing that, in that dark room and that silence, where I could almost hear my thoughts. I felt like I had the last piece of the puzzle, and miraculously, everything fell in place for me. People have their very unique ways of loving and showing their love, they might appear very questionable and unusual to us, yet it is still their way of loving us. Just like the way we want to be loved, might seem also questionable and unusual to them. Do you see what I mean here? Some might need space when in a crisis and might feel suffocated with all the attention while others need people around to reassure them and make them feel safe. We might be the kind who shower others with calls and messages when they are in need, or we might be the kind who show their love by keeping our distance. So how do we judge? How can we really say that we feel unloved? Do we have some kind of device to measure this love, and set a minimum and maximum to it? We rather expect the other one to love us on our own terms and conditions, yet we need an unconditional love! (How ironic is that). How is it even possible, unless the person is a mind reader or some kind of magician? it is far from being reasonable right?

It is inexplicable, how our own perception of things can hurt us in the most obvious ways! I have struggled with this my whole life, I always wanted to be loved MY WAY (without even knowing that). And whatever didn’t match “my way” then by definition, wasn’t love. Now I realize how mistaken I was! Some actions done by our loved ones can leave us puzzled, wondering: “How can they do that?” we forget that, that same action might make perfect sense to them; it might even be their way of saying “I love you”! Even if not, and it is exactly as you and me would assume, truly a horrible act of wickedness, do we really know what is going on in that person’s mind? Can we take a second, and think, think deeply, not just brush our brains, dig and dig until we can see clearly! Before we judge our loved ones! Because without a doubt, we would want them to do the same for us! I know I would! I would want to be given the benefit of the doubt! I would want to be forgiven.

This past year was a continuous learning experience for me, but figuring this out, was one of the most valuable lessons, somehow it opened my eyes and helped me see clearer. Now before feeling, unloved, unwanted or even invisible, I stop and think, really think and try very hard to see their way of loving me, even in the darkest parts. And from where i stand now, i can proudly say that it is absolutely worth it!

Ouiam

Who We Marry?

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Who we marry? Do we really know? How can we know? We make this decision based on what we knew, what we saw and what we felt, based on the past, however, we all change, grow, evolve and only the future can tell, can show us who we married!

Marriage is far more than few pictures on Instagram or Facebook, with smiles, hugs and kisses. It is far from the fairytales and novels. Yes!! Who wouldn’t want to only share their beautiful moments, after all we all love to shine and sparkle and sprinkle our happy bits and pieces. To me, marriage is way more than that! Marriage is a journey that begins with a decision you and your partner take, then transforms into this roller-coaster ride, with ups and downs, milestones and hiccups. And it is really your call to make it an enjoyable, meaningful and long lasting one. Life is full of challenges and hardships, and your partner is the person whom will accompany you through them all. It is crazy and very hard to comprehend that once you are married, you kind of become one person yet you can never be one! You are two different people, with different everything really. Most people get married because they are trapped in this beautiful labyrinth of love and passion, which is the most amazing thing. However, with the years, when you have seen it all, when the newness goes away and life gets harder, you are left with each other. Your partner is the person who will hold your hand and give you a shoulder to cry on when you need it. It is the person who knows all your weirdness and not only accepts it but understands it. It is the person who has seen your good, bad and ugly and still loves you unconditionally. It is the person you want to grow older with, the person you want to share the parenthood journey with, the person you want your children to resemble to, the person who appreciates you and knows your limits, the person you want to lose people with and grieve with, the person you want to grow closer to rather than apart.

I was very blessed and lucky to find this person, the person who gets me, who accepts me the way I am, who makes me see the little things, who makes me slow down and enjoy the nows. Who makes me ME! And I am so grateful that a decision I took in my very early twenties, will be a gift for my thirties, forties and so on.

When you move on from being just a couple to being parents and you see your partner as a father to your children, to the pieces of your soul and heart, when you see how much he loves them and cares for them. You then have seen it all! You then have it all ! When I see my husband with my son, my heart bursts from happiness and love. It is a new kind of love. A love that only this person can give me. A love that defines me, that empowers me, that makes me the woman and the mother I am today.

Marriage is a union that makes you whole; not always pink and flowery yet always strong and powerful. Marriage is a bunch of every days, of little details, of things that are so tiny but so big at the same time.

Ouiam

10 things i do that piss my husband off ;)

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Before I start right into this, I feel I need to address my husband first:

Honey, I know you love me very much and  I also know that sometimes i display bizarre and downright crazy tendencies that drive you crazy, everyone has their own little weird traits that grind away their partners, family and friends. However admitting it should give me some credit 😉

So here is my list:

  1. A steamy bathroom; whenever I take a shower, I first have to turn the hot water on for about 10 minutes then I get into the shower, as a result, you obviously can’t see a thing for about few hours, the toilet paper is all crumpled and useless, ooh and of course no hot water lol (sorry)
  2. I am completely and perfectly aware of how I can never seem to close any of the drawers or cupboards I open ( you can’t possibly blame me for that, I simply forget)
  3. I know how annoying I must be whenever we are at home, in our living room, at any given time, the minute you’ll stand up, I would ask you straight away “where are you going?” Daaaah I am at home where will I be going? I feel this is what you always want to tell me, but you are sweet enough to just ignore my question and instead reply : “ I will be right back” lol
  4. I am not the only woman on earth who does this, whenever we are watching a movie for the first time, I keep on asking questions about the movie as if you have watched it before!! Whaaaat!!! Ooh well you actually should be flattered, because somehow, I just assume you are smarter than I am and that you got some kind of secrete hint that I missed! Easy right?!
  5. Whenever we go to sleep, I spend an extra hour reading on my kindle, with a minimum light on, but I know how sensitive you are to any kind of lights when you want to sleep, so for that, I love you forever!
  6. This one is my favorite so far! How out of nowhere I will just turn to you and ask you: “So?” I totally get you when you give me the silliest answers ever, but it did serve the purpose right? We had a small tiny conversation woohaaa!
  7. This is no mystery, you knew it way before we got married, I just cannot stop talking, I am a woman so it is THE most natural thing ever.
  8. This is actually funny, myself, I can’t understand how I always ask you: how is your food, before you even take your first bite!! Alright I promise you, I will work on this!
  9. I always put perfume on, inside the car with the windows closed ( my bad I always remember too late)
  10. Every single night after I put the little peanut down for the night, I come back downstairs and switch off all the lights in the house along with the air conditioning. No, I am not a cave woman but I do enjoy darkness, silence and warm weather, I am a mom!

I am sure there is more to this, but let us just agree that we are done here 😉

So here, Thank you my very sweet husband for your tolerance and patience, I wanted you to know that I am aware of this list, yet I am not sure anything will ever change, Thank you again, you are the best!!

If any of you ladies out there, share one or two things from this list with me, please let me know, it will make me the happiest to know that I am not alone! Thank you!

Ouiam

 

It is Valentine’s Day!

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So, it is Valentine’s Day, the day almost everyone celebrates their love with their special ones. Not that I am saying people should only celebrate it this one specific day. However, to dedicate one special day to treasure love and show it the respect it deserves, does not harm anyone.

To me, this day might be a day just like others, I am not a huge fan of it, yet I do appreciate a fancy dinner/lunch with a fancy gift (just in case my husband is reading this lol).

Yesterday I surprised myself thinking about last year’s Valentine’s Day  and the previous one and the one before it and to my surprise, at each one of them I was in a completely different stage of my life; different houses, different jobs, different everything! This thought made me very thankful and grateful to where I am right now. An amazing, kind and caring husband by my side and a sweet little boy on my lap, who, is celebrating this Valentine’s Day with us (Yaaay to that!!! ).  It also made me wonder, in both excitement and anxiousness, where will we all be next year?

The stage where I am now is a completely different one. It is one where I appreciate the smallest things in my life, and work harder each day to be the best I can, for myself and for my little family. It is a stage where things that seemed so important last year, currently do not even exist in my priority list. It is a stage where my focus has completely shifted from all the shallow and superficial things in life, to only meaningful and long-lasting ones and I am glad it did. This is the stage where I want to be in, my whole life!

Valentine’s Day is a good reminder to appreciate the love we have in our lives, no matter what kind of love it is; we need to cherish it and make it one that lasts forever. Celebrating Valentine’s Day is a great way to show your loved ones that you do care, even if we are all lost and caught up in this crazy busy life. It is a beautiful day to celebrate a beautiful feeling!  So Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!