Hello Grief… Again..

This post was the hardest to write, not because it is about someone who is no longer with us, nor is it because this person is my father whom a simple post like this one will never be enough to explain what a wonderful father he was. It took me days to be able to sit and think, mainly because I didn’t want to. It hurts way too much to think of the father he was to me and my siblings. Writing about his death forces me to deal with his death, which I still don’t know how to face. It has been over a month since my world had peacefully crumbled, and I have been putting off grieving since then. I always talked, praised and wished for change to hit my door, little did I know, some changes are so devastating that they leave you profoundly paralyzed.

I had never planned to live far away from my family and miss them terribly. I had never planned to shrink my time spent with my family to a couple of months each year. I had never planned to get news of who gets engaged, sick, or even who dies through the phone. I never had the intention to call home somewhere other than the one home where I was born, raised and brought up. Now looking back at those bright and joyful days, I had never planned for anything. Not that I lacked ambition or that I was too wise to worry about the future, far from that, it just seemed that life had it all figured out for me. At each and every intersection, life had already a road mapped out for me, without even giving me time to think of potential options, and I liked it this way. I was ready to take things the way they presented themselves. I never complained, even now I never do.

I also never planned to get a message from my mother at 11am telling me that my dearest father had passed away so unexpectedly, and without any warnings. Yet I did, few weeks ago, and suddenly I was faced with my worst nightmare, one that had kept me awake at night, many nights. One that I spent a lot of time analyzing, and somehow preparing myself for, knowing that at some point in life, the nightmare will turn into reality. Even though death was always present in the tinniest corner of my brain, way behind, in a very small corner that I rarely checked, but I still thought of it, how I would react to it, what will life be like after it, and whether or not I will get on time to say goodbye to the one leaving this life so peacefully, leaving behind a heartbroken family and loved ones. Yet still when that message appeared on my phone, I froze. 2018 was supposed to be a good year!! How can this happen!!

How can one deal with this pain in the chest, (an actual physical pain, and not just emotional) each night, when it is all quiet, and there is just you and your broken heart to deal with this stabbing pain, that makes you weep like a baby, and stops you from breathing? How could you ignore the guilt that comes with each morning, when you open your eyes, and know damn too well that you have a day to live, while your dearest father doesn’t? How do you adjust to saying “May he rest in peace” every time you talk/think about him?

Until now, every time life had showed me its ugly face, I had accepted the challenge happily, however this time the emptiness inside of me mixed with that terrible pain in my chest, and the profound guilt of being alive while he isn’t, those ugly feelings make me go on an autopilot mode…. living like a shadow. My knees are week, my breath is short, and I am like a walking zombie trying to get as busy as I can so that another day can pass. This is how I am doing it: One day at a time. It is hard to imagine any future without the kindest heart who had always wrapped us all, with a soft blanket of warm love and devotion!

I can’t even think of writing something about what a great father mine was, or how lucky I was to have him by my side as a kid, or as a full-grown woman, simply because it hurts to remember those days right now, and to remember that I no longer have him to create more of these blessed and blissful memories. So for now I will wipe my tears, get back to my busyness, and to pretending that nothing had happened, that my father is still alive, and just a phone call away because so far that is the only thing that makes this pain go away…… until it hits me all over again!

Ouiam

The Little Story Of a Cupboard…

Today I have a little story to share, something that happened to me and left me a little dazzled and speechless. Something that not only suggests that there is someone up there who rolls the dice, but also that life’s events are all mysteriously and inexplicably connected and intertwined.

Weeks ago I found a great carpenter to build a cupboard for one of the rooms in our new home. He had built few pieces for me in the past, and I knew that he was extremely talented and wasn’t going to charge me an arm and leg for that cupboard. So I told him exactly  what I wanted, the little details I fancied, the knobs, the colours, the partitions, and he agreed. The price was perfect, the design was fabulous and I was over the moon that finally my clothes will have a safe and stylish home to harbour them. He promised to finish the piece of art in 2 weeks, and I knew he would do his best to honor his word, as he always did. 4 weeks later, I still haven’t heard from the man, I called, texted, called again, but no answer! I had given him half of the price we agreed on, and now it seemed like I just got duped. I was more pissed about my homeless clothes, that now are destined to live all over the place, more than anything else. My dreams of having my fabulous white closet have disappeared. Oooh and I also had to start thinking of ways to explain to my dear husband how 200BD has simply vanished!!!!

Long story short, the carpenter was a very decent man, he was in some kind of trouble, he brought the down payment back, and told me that he couldn’t build my closet.  Obviously all hopes of having what I have spent days dreaming of have evaporated!  I gave myself time to mourn, but I moved on, and was convinced that I would just have to live either without a closet, or with a less than OK one, that I am probably going to get from a cheap furniture store.

Weeks have past, and one day while browsing on Facebook, I came across a very talented couple who collect, make, paint, and restore furniture, to sell. They create beauty at its finest. The treasures I have seen on their Facebook page were incredibly stunning. Among these treasures was an old Bahraini cupboard, that they restored and painted, and gave it a taste of sophistication while keeping its authenticity. Without thinking twice, I knew that THAT was MY cupboard and I had to get it. 2 days later the marvelous piece of art, stood tall in my room! That night and when I thought about it, I realized how sad I was over that whole carpenter story and how he couldn’t make the cupboard I dreamed of. I thought I would never get what I wanted, I thought what has happened was incredibly upsetting and disappointing. Little did I know, that the perfect cupboard was somewhere out there, patiently waiting for me to come and make it mine.

The cupboard story is very similar to many many other stories that happen in real life, where we get so overwhelmed and upset when things don’t go the way we want them to. What we don’t know is that somewhere, the perfect thing is waiting. Waiting for us to make peace with ourselves and be ready to invite that perfect thing in our lives. What can seem to be unfair, upsetting, bad, can sometimes be not only good, but great and perfect for us. As the holy Quran says: “Perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you” ( وعسى ان تكرهو شيئا و هو خير لكم) From Surat Al Baqarah.

Ouiam

Do You Love God ?

How-to-love-God-with-Heart-Soul-and-Mind_Blog

Whether you are Muslim, Christian, Jewish, or Buddhist, the only question that really matters is: “Do you love YOUR God?”, this must sound silly because the answer seems to be obvious, but look deeper and tell me. when you love, there is no doubt in your mind or heart, you are in an absolute state of euphoria. Because when we love completely and entirely, we let go of our fears, we have a sense that the whole universe is in our side, and most importantly we become the center of that universe. We don’t care who did what, said what, trusted in what, believed in what… everything else fails to exist! So here is my question again, DO YOU LOVE GOD?

 

Can you imagine if everyone loved their God, real love, pure love, the love worthy of God, would we ever look at other people and judge them for loving their own God? even if it wasn’t the same as ours! Would we ever blame someone, criticize and judge them because of who they love so deeply and profoundly?

 

Loving God is the most important thing in any religion, this is what keeps us from sinning and guides us to the right path. This love illuminates our minds and hearts and makes us always want to be better versions of ourselves, to please the one God we adore.

 

Because love is the enemy of fear and doubt, it makes us strong and powerful, and because we are strong and powerful, the need to be like everyone else evaporates. We no longer feel the need to belong somewhere, we no longer look at people and want them to be a carbon copy of us, we no longer insist that MY God is the God and that yours isn’t, we no longer think that we are going to heaven and someone else is going to hell because they don’t share the same beliefs as us. When you love God you wouldn’t care if your neighbours prayed with their hands up or down, you wouldn’t care if they wore a scarf or not, you wouldn’t care if they walked naked or fully covered, because your heart is sure of what you believe in, because your heart and mind are devoted to God, because they both are at peace, because you have nothing to prove to anyone, because all you have in your heart is pure, virtuous, and righteous love towards your God.

 

God trusted us with the most precious gift of all-LIFE- so how come human beings wouldn’t trust each other? God believed in me, He trusted me and loved me, so how come a fellow human being would judge me because of my religion!!!!

 

So ….Do we all Love Our God?

 

Ouiam