Hello Grief… Again..

This post was the hardest to write, not because it is about someone who is no longer with us, nor is it because this person is my father whom a simple post like this one will never be enough to explain what a wonderful father he was. It took me days to be able to sit and think, mainly because I didn’t want to. It hurts way too much to think of the father he was to me and my siblings. Writing about his death forces me to deal with his death, which I still don’t know how to face. It has been over a month since my world had peacefully crumbled, and I have been putting off grieving since then. I always talked, praised and wished for change to hit my door, little did I know, some changes are so devastating that they leave you profoundly paralyzed.

I had never planned to live far away from my family and miss them terribly. I had never planned to shrink my time spent with my family to a couple of months each year. I had never planned to get news of who gets engaged, sick, or even who dies through the phone. I never had the intention to call home somewhere other than the one home where I was born, raised and brought up. Now looking back at those bright and joyful days, I had never planned for anything. Not that I lacked ambition or that I was too wise to worry about the future, far from that, it just seemed that life had it all figured out for me. At each and every intersection, life had already a road mapped out for me, without even giving me time to think of potential options, and I liked it this way. I was ready to take things the way they presented themselves. I never complained, even now I never do.

I also never planned to get a message from my mother at 11am telling me that my dearest father had passed away so unexpectedly, and without any warnings. Yet I did, few weeks ago, and suddenly I was faced with my worst nightmare, one that had kept me awake at night, many nights. One that I spent a lot of time analyzing, and somehow preparing myself for, knowing that at some point in life, the nightmare will turn into reality. Even though death was always present in the tinniest corner of my brain, way behind, in a very small corner that I rarely checked, but I still thought of it, how I would react to it, what will life be like after it, and whether or not I will get on time to say goodbye to the one leaving this life so peacefully, leaving behind a heartbroken family and loved ones. Yet still when that message appeared on my phone, I froze. 2018 was supposed to be a good year!! How can this happen!!

How can one deal with this pain in the chest, (an actual physical pain, and not just emotional) each night, when it is all quiet, and there is just you and your broken heart to deal with this stabbing pain, that makes you weep like a baby, and stops you from breathing? How could you ignore the guilt that comes with each morning, when you open your eyes, and know damn too well that you have a day to live, while your dearest father doesn’t? How do you adjust to saying “May he rest in peace” every time you talk/think about him?

Until now, every time life had showed me its ugly face, I had accepted the challenge happily, however this time the emptiness inside of me mixed with that terrible pain in my chest, and the profound guilt of being alive while he isn’t, those ugly feelings make me go on an autopilot mode…. living like a shadow. My knees are week, my breath is short, and I am like a walking zombie trying to get as busy as I can so that another day can pass. This is how I am doing it: One day at a time. It is hard to imagine any future without the kindest heart who had always wrapped us all, with a soft blanket of warm love and devotion!

I can’t even think of writing something about what a great father mine was, or how lucky I was to have him by my side as a kid, or as a full-grown woman, simply because it hurts to remember those days right now, and to remember that I no longer have him to create more of these blessed and blissful memories. So for now I will wipe my tears, get back to my busyness, and to pretending that nothing had happened, that my father is still alive, and just a phone call away because so far that is the only thing that makes this pain go away…… until it hits me all over again!

Ouiam

From My Heart to Yours!

 

I met you almost 8 years ago, in an airport, where we both took the same flight, to the same destination, where you were going to meet my family. You had a big smile on your face, one that only you have: big, bright, and beautiful. You greeted me with a firm, yet very gentle handshake. We started talking about random things: the flight we were about to take, the weather, the airport…etc. As we boarded the flight, our conversation got deeper and deeper. We talked about religion, childhood memories, life, work, and tons of other things, and that’s when I knew that I have made the best decision ever. The whole 12 hours journey we took together passed in the blink of an eye. I felt comfortable and at ease with you. I wanted to tell you all the stories I had and you listened with interest, you asked questions, you wanted to know more, you always do, because you are a true gentleman .

 

The look in your eyes was so soft, loving and just one that makes everyone around you feel happy and special. This look is always there, even now, almost 8 years later. Every time I see you, you still greet me with this exceptionally wonderful look, you also hug me, kiss me on the cheeks, and on the forehead, every single time. This is how we do it: A hug, a kiss on each cheek , one on the forehead, and I just love it so much.

 

Since day one, I felt like I could always rely on you, I felt you were a friend, a father, and great big brother.  I felt that you were my home away from home, and that your heart was one of gold. I knew how lucky I was to be in your life.

 

I was blessed with your presence in the last 8 years, and you have offered me all the love, guidance, and support I needed and wanted. You were there in every up and down I have faced, you offered advice and you loved me no matter what.

 

I always look forward to our late night chitchat sessions, with coffee, nuts, and tons of funny stories from you. You take story telling to a whole new level and boy do we all love you for that!

 

My child sees you as his hero, and it melts my heart every time. He always keeps the best hugs and kisses for you, and only you. He will run to you for a “bear hug” –as you guys call it- every single time he sees you, even if it was the 50th time that day. I am not only blessed because you are in my life, for me and with me in every step of the way, but also because you are there for the person I love more than anything in this world: my son.

 

No I am not talking about my husband, I am talking about his Dad, my father-in-law, and my son’s grandfather. The light of Al-Amri family, the one we always pray God to keep bright and shining forever.

 

This is for you to tell you that the value you add to our lives is unmeasurable, and that the love we have for you is unconditional, sweet and incomparable. May you always stay blessed, healthy and happy.

 

From your daughter in law, with so much love.

 

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Ouiam

 

When My Husband Says….

      

When my husband says: “Take the rest of the day off, I’ll babysit”, I hear little bells ringing in my ears, i see little stars glowing and sparkling in front of my eyes, i see a little unicorn on my shoulder winking at me! And of course with the most excited tone i say – if not scream- : Yeeees!! While doing my happy dance! If you think that’s too much and i am probably exaggerating, then you certainly aren’t a full time mama lol! 

Usually i hear this magical phrase once or twice a week, and it only means one thing! I am finally getting some “Me Time”

No matter how much I enjoy my time with my little man, doing mummy stuff all day long, I still crave for some “Me” time, it is just essential for my sanity. In order to take care of my son, husband and home, I first need to take care of the woman I am! This “ME” time can be anything, from a nap to a trip to the salon for a mani-pedi, or the hair salon, a massage or coffee with a friend or hitting the gym or just some quiet time in my room reading and writing! I try to plan these few hours very carefully, so I get to do most of the things above at once. 

While I enjoy my time off, Adam and his dad, have some fun of their own. It is incredibly amazing to see these two, doing their own thing! My husband brings another side of my little baby that I usually can’t even see. Most of my time with Adam is spent in doing educational stuff, fun yes, but mostly educational, while when he is with his dad, they do silly stuff together, things that I can never even imagine lol. My husband is such a great father and I am extremely grateful for that! It came to him instantly after I gave birth that i was almost jealous! He was always good with kids but I never saw him with babies; so when we first had Adam, I was pleasantly surprised to see how amazing he was! I don’t know what is more fascinating: Seeing Adam with his dad, or seeing my husband with his son?! It just warms my heart, and fills me with this deep sense of gratitude and happiness! 

So today was one of those magical days, when i get to have some time for myself! I first headed to the gym for a class called “Abdominal Blast” at Equilibrium Amwaj (recently opened and i am loving it so far), then to the hair salon: Toni & Guy Bahrain, my favourite in the island! I only book appointments with “Liesel”, she is fantastic and super talented! And I had to finish this glamorous afternoon, with a stop at Starbucks, where I could finish my book peacefully! (A wonderful book that I can’t wait to share all about it in my “Happy Reading” post next month). Then it was time to go back to my mommy duties all fresh, full of energy and ready for new adventures with my little man and his dad!  

How about you? How do you balance between your needs and your children’s? What do you usually do in your “ME” time? Feel free to share your story! 

Ouiam