What’s On Her Mind: The Fear …..!

  
After a long time,”What’s On Her Mind” is finally back! And this time with a wonderful, straight from the heart, and absolutely moving story, from one of the few friends that I appreaciate greatly! One of the people I believe were meant to enter my life to teach me something! A strong woman who will today give us a life lesson and share a piece of her soul with us! 

The Fear….

“I dont wont to get married. It will only stop me from doing what I want, and from achieving my dreams”. This was a sentence I used frequently, whenever anyone asked me when was I going to get married. 

I studied medicine for 7 years (6 years of actual school and I missed one year due to the war back in Iraq). I then graduated carrying my degree on my chest like a hero and an imaginary bag full of dreams. My bag was bigger than the world, almost unrealistic, but what to say, I was 24 years old and I owned the world.

I had to leave my country as soon as I graduated coz of the unstable political circumstances and with that I left behind my childhood and my student life, but I definitely didn’t forget to carry my dreams with me.

In less than a year I started working and OMG!!! It was nothing I have imagined before! I started watching my dreams popping up just like soap bubbles and disappearing right in front of my eyes. 

The stress of being a stranger in a strange country, ironically called my second home, as it was where my mother was from. So I was suppose to be familiar with it. But sadly I wasn’t. 

The stress of being treated like I was worth nothing and I knew nothing, why would/should I? I was just an intern who should follow the steps of the seniors and consultants like a puppy.

The stress of managing my life away from home with no backup sister to wash my lab coat, or a brother to run get some orange juice, or even a mother to make me a sandwich when I stay up late studying for my exam. Instead of that, I found myself living with strange people called family, people who wanted me to act like them, think like them and pay my share with them coz I was not a welcomed guest. I had to baby sit, do laundry and iron clothes as part time to my doctor job, to earn my living. I had to work as a secretory in an office filled with men who treated me like a house maid.

Finally after passing that awful year of internship, I finally became a real doctor and I earned a good living! COOL! Now I can start working on achieving my dreams….. No! Another drama came my way! To summarise it: my family started going through a tough time , financially, and I ended up being the only provider, which was fine except that I still didn’t have a chance to achieve those dreams.

Years and years passed and I was still running in a circle. A very narrow circle that suffocated me and I ended up doing nothing I ever wanted! 

I did not become a gynaecologist, I was forced to go to different speciality, one that I never liked. 
I did not learn that third and forth language i always dreamed of. 

I did not travel around the world for a whole year, meeting new people and discovering places. 

I did not get my degree on time, simply because I didn’t like my speciality so how can I sit and read the same things over and over again when my brain decided to block any entry because of depression. Even though I was doing great in the practical aspect of my job but never the theory. I was a smart worker but never a smart exam taker. 

I did not get my black belt in that martial art I wanted, as my schedule was continuously changing that I never made it to a whole week of training without interruption. 

I did not volunteer to work with doctors without borders….!! 

My list is painfully big and long ….but back to the point, I was still convinced that marriage will stop me from achieving my dreams. When everything else around me was doing exactly that-stopping me from achieving my dreams- for some reason or another, including my own depressed mind and my lack of motivations.

At that point, all I was thinking was that I wasn’t achieving anything anyway, I was getting old and I was rejecting all theses marriage proposals, for one main reason: FEAR; while using lame excuses. At that point in my life I took the decision to start thinking about marriage more seriously, at least I still had a chance to have a family before it was too late….Aah stupid me! The universe was listening to me I guess, opening the door of love and friendship. And I got the chance to meet him. He was very kind, supportive and understanding. I explained to him all my fears. When and where I come from, and he gracefully accepted me! He even accepted my one condition: No babies!!! 

So yes I got married and that was the same year I passed my first board exam, and the year I made 4 trips to 4 different countries in two different continent. The year I started my martial art training, and got the time to do it with no work schedule interrupting my training and vise versa. 

Then something changed! The ice cold idea of no babies started to warm up in my heart (for sure with a lot of kind and unkind pressure from the husband who broke his promise and the family around us). I got pregnant and I had the baby! With that baby, and all the stress and responsibility of becoming a mom I managed not only to pass my exam but to finish the whole board certification. I managed to make more trips than I was planing to do, with and without the family. I managed to get 4 belts in the martial art and continue my training.

That’s not all, I am still doing a lot of things that I never expected to do or achieve, and now after 4 years of marriage, I realised that all I needed was the stability and support from a good man and a strong, warm family I was afraid to have before.

My husband and my baby were the real motivation for my success and achievements, they grounded me and gave the chance to my roots to grow deep and strong again. They are the hope I lost one day…They are the real antidepressant treatment that brought me to life again.

Now and at the age of 36, a wife and a mother of a 3 years old baby, I am going for my first martial art competition in a week, I am also going back to medical school to restudy everything in medicine but this time it will be just the way i want it…! 
One Brave Mama!! 

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