Feeling Feelings ….

  
I am a natural “feeler”, I like to feel every possible feeling, give it a name, run it into a rigorous scrutiny, to find out whether it is a “good” or “bad” feeling. This process happens just between myself and I. No one is allowed anywhere near my thoughts, I never wondered why?! Until today….! 

Usually when I get sick, and even now at twenty nine years old, and a mom to an 18months baby boy, I would still need my mama’s comfort; however, I would never tell her this. Not because I feel or think it is wrong, but because I simply can’t. Throughout my life, I have been an introverted little girl, my heaven was (still is) grabbing a book, and sitting on my bed, in my room, for hours until I was done with it. I craved silence and privacy. Being alone wasn’t something to complain about, it was a treat! Things has changed with time, that is a fact, and I have been coping well with noise and social events, yet I am still an introverted person. After an hour of socialising I need another hour or two to calm down and give myself a break. 
The more I think about it, the more I realise that growing up, we never talked about feelings. Not that it was a taboo, but we actually lacked the proper tools to get those feelings out, correctly and adequately. In my Moroccan dialect, we have no correct way of describing our feelings, of course we have those specific words : ” I am happy” or “I am sad” but if you say them out loud, I assure you, you will make a joke of yourself. 

Now try saying something like: ” I am jealous” or even “I envy you”, and get ready to receive a torrent of lectures, about how jealousy (or even envy) is a sin! And you should never have similar feelings! Instead you should burry them, really deep, and never talk about them again! First: Why can’t we all just agree that we are human after all, and we do sin! Then, a feeling is just between myself and I, something that I have no control over, yes sure I can work on making this unwanted feeling go away, but I can’t do that unless I first recognise it, and give it a name! 

Where I come from, we are encouraged to neglect our feelings, pretend that they don’t exist. You will only hear the word “feel” if “hungry”, “thirsty” or “tired” followed. 

If my husband reads this post, I am sure he would be wondering: “Then how come you keep on blabbering about what you feel, what you felt, and what you will feel, all day long when I am around?!” Well, all I have to say is that this is different, he is my best friend, I trained myself to open up to him, he is also a great listener, which helps greatly! 

Even after writing these words and after my grand realisation, I have no doubt anything will ever change, I still will not allow myself to talk about my feelings, because somehow it feels as if I was stripping naked in front of an audience. However, I always encourage my son to talk about how he feels: sad, upset, mad, happy, excited, frustrated…etc! Parenting is crazy! It gives us all a chance to relive our own childhood, except, this time, we are in charge, we write the guidelines and the rules, we get to change what we never approved of, and do our best to be the best! 

Ouiam

8 thoughts on “Feeling Feelings ….

  1. liqaa1979 says:

    Frankly speaking, I understood nothing.
    Are u talking about the past or the present?!
    In the past I was never allowed or courageous enough to express my feelings, now I don’t give a damn except with one person…. My mother.
    We were never friend, I could never open up for her and talk freely.
    Today after all what I experienced in my past life I can talk about my feelings easily with the world except my mother as I said.
    Train your self, in fact writing this post is a good trial to express your feeling about your feelings πŸ™‚

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    • I am talking about both Liqaa, i am a very emotional human being, i always was, but I never allowed myself to talk about feelings, as I explained in my post. Not that i find it wrong it is just that i never did before. No matter how I train or would like to train myself, i am still an introverted person, I always like to keep the big chunk to myself, talk to myself, express my feelings to myself … Etc. I think our mothers were though they had a different way of parenting and that had an impact on how we turned up πŸ™‚

      Like

  2. Stef says:

    One thing that I have been learning living in Asia is that here it is totally inappropriate to have feelings. You must especially suppress your frustration or sadness, and when you confront another person, you’ll always have to avoid a clear and direct way of saying (complaining) things. Last but not least, if you ask directions on the street, you will be sent to the opposite direction if the person you are asking doesn’t know the way and will never want to say “I don’t know” to you. Learned the hard way, stopped asking directions all together! πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜›

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello beautiful Lady! I was wondering where you were! I guess the Asian & Arabic culture have something in common lol not the directions part though, here it isn’t that bad at least lol. People would stop and explain or just say that they don’t know.
      Does it have anything to do with the religion? Or is it a pure cultural issue? Or a little bit of both? I can’t tell …

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  3. Stef says:

    I am not sure, perhaps a combination of all these things. If you have a chance to read “The geography of bliss” book, let me know what you think of some of the possible explanations that the author gives about the Asian and Arabic cultures! :* πŸ˜€

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