Leaving Time….

 

So here we are! It’s time to say “Goodbye”, I try to prolong these last few moments as much as i can, eventhough it is now becoming more real and heartbreaking! With my mom, dad, sister, her husband and there three kids. We first hug in the house, then outside right by the door, then after we load the bags in the car! As we shed tears, sob, then say silly jocks and go back to the crying! And one last hug before Adam and i get into the car! I always prefer to ride with only one person to the airport, usually my brother in law. Why? Well, because this way, it hurts less! Because I am an abstainer! I choose to let go of things that I love the most, when I have to, cold turkey style, instead of dragging the pain along with me every minute and every second! 

The ride to the airport is usually a quiet one, where I only say few words to reassure my self that my voice is still there and that the knot in my throat didn’t block it somehow! While my mind races hundred miles an hour, covering every inch of my travel plan, as a way to distract my self. I also start counting the “what if”s: What if I never left home in the first place? What if i still lived here next to my family and friends? What if ..? The answer comes to me, as a shot of adrenaline and a much needed push of courage! Simply, if I did all that, I wouldn’t have met my beloved husband! And I wouldn’t have this Adam! I would probably have another One, but not this “half me half my husband” Adam, and this is more than enough to put that smile back on my face, and brush off any sad or disturbing thought I had! 

See, when you are a woman, you become automatically wired to follow your own family, your husband and kids, wherever they are! You then have the certitude that you will never live in your parents’s house anymore! And you kind of become Okay with it! To me, it even becomes an advantage in marriages, because it brings along a whole new level of love and intimacy with your partner in life! He becomes the father, the mother, the sister, the brother in law, the nieces and the nephew! And it is so neat to have all these feelings wrapped up in one person! When life gets tough and the tough gets tougher, you only turn to that one person and sink in the comfort of their arms and just then you know and feel that you are safe! 

Yet sometimes your brain plays mean tricks on you, it becomes the heartless, cruel monster, that starts wandering in those dark territories, against every wish of yours! And starts coming up with all the dark thoughts, that you try so hard to push to the back of your mind, yet they come back haunting you, just seconds after you foolishly thought you have successfully defeated them! Again: What if? What if something happened to my loved ones? What if my mom..? What if my dad…? I could get lost thinking about this so instead I’ll just stop! 

So yeah! It is leaving time for us! I will be leaving a piece of my heart here, with my family, as I fly to my other home and other family: my husband! Both excited and sad. Confused, scared, happy, and worried! But I keep going, because this is life! Scary, interesting, sad, happy, confusing, inspiring, tough, full of surprises and a thousand more things and another thousand beyond that! 

So until we meet again Oujda, take care of my people and be good to them! 

Ouiam

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